Another Day One: day six

It's one week since the latest and least dramatic of my epiphanies, the day I took my daughter to the library, had a beer afterwards, having had two beers before, and ended up being boring and repeating myself.

The shame was real, although no harm was done, and I count it as progress of a kind that a relatively minor incident can give me the kick up the hole I need to kneel in reverence before the Flame of Shame, and vow to rise on stepping stones of my dead self to higher things, to paraphrase the poet.

I'm being flippant because I don't really feel like writing this. The sharp stab of shame is hard to remember and the lovely light of Shame is receding a bit. So it's a good thing we are going to go back to the library today, for the child to restock on manga and for me to drift like a dust-mote in the fug of the library while she does it, reflecting on the peril to my soul.

Afterwards we will probably get the bus home, and we may get a drink while we are waiting. They don't do non-alcoholic beer in the cafe near the bus stop (I know this because I asked for it before and when they didn't have it I took it as a sign that the universe was very keen for me to have a strong Belgian beer, so I did and regretted it later). I suppose I'll have a coffee.

I've said before that it is exhausting living in wariness and shame the whole time, but it's important to keep remembering how vital it is for my own happiness to stay sober. Reframing this vigilance as gratitude is good - and I am grateful today for a good few days of happy sobriety.

I think it's also useful to think of gratitude and happiness as active things, rather than passive states. One of the big factors in relapse is boredom and it's easy to think of sobriety and abstinence and good behaviour as being a bit boring. I know (and I'm glad that my daughter reminded me) that drunks are extremely boring. But where does that leave us - with the conclusion that life is boring? That boredom is actually happiness? I may return to this idea but for now I am interested to note that a visit to the library to hang around while my child looks at comics, and the possibility of going for a coffee afterwards, have taken on the gravity and jeopardy of a spiritual quest.

Shame is pride; boredom is adventure; fear is gratitude. I dunno, man.